Since before I can remember my grandparents have always told me to slow down. My grandpa especially, encourages me to stop and smell the roses, slow down, enjoy life instead of always leading the pack. I always respond with a quick "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Which, I find a ridiculous response because I can almost guarantee that in my next life if there is a committee to sign up for I'll be at the top of the list.
You see, I've always been an overachiever. In order to feel fulfilled I need to reach a new level of achievement. I need a purpose, a goal, an end result to keep pushing on. I'm the person that people see and instead of a greeting with hello, a smile is usually followed with "we were just talking about you" or "I was just thinking about you the other day," and a task at hand is their follow up. I'm a doer. I see it as a blessing and a curse.
My week of chaos began on Saturday, October 13th. A quick run up to my moms, Walmart (also I despise Walmart,) followed by a night at work. You see, I had promised to make signs for church, and true Sara style completely spaced being asked had to actually sit still and get them done. I should also mention now that all the days ahead also consisted of my normal routines, showering, getting the kids off to school, shakes, picking up the kids, dinner, and laundry, always SO much laundry.
On Sunday John and the boys headed out to the cabin for one final clean up while Abby and I went to church. I ended up doing something completely different with the signs, and my self diagnosed OCD was raging as I quickly drew things by hand. The rest of the day was filled with dropping Abby off at choir practice, and racing around to Kohl's, Target, and later Walmart again to find the rest of the items necessary for our Halloween costumes. A quick two hour evening with friends that night was my saving grace, after an afternoon with my daughter who continues to think she's 9 going on 19.
Monday John and I headed to couples therapy. Something I strongly encourage everyone to do. It has drastically changed our relationship for the better. Family photos followed which involved pulling the kids from school early (oh yes I did!) and racing out to Wisconsin Point. From there we went to bowl out, and I stayed with Deacon in the car while he napped. John and I had date night after that, and to be honest at this point I couldn't even tell you where we went.
Tuesday, now that was a day! In the shower that morning I realized I didn't have the tootsie rolls for popcorn day. Part of me thought, ah no biggie we'd skip them, but the overruling part of me said that I couldn't because the kids look forward to those every popcorn day. I left Deacon with John and raced to the school hoping by some miracle the tootsie roll fairy had dropped off a few bags while I was busy over thinking things. No such luck. Off to Super One we went to pickup 13 bags of tootsie rolls. 615 bags of popcorn later, that task was complete. I had just enough time to head home, load up the car and come back to the school for the variety show dress rehearsal.
Wednesday was picture retake day at the school. Deacon was my helpful assistant that day, and we knocked out all the retakes with Beth in about 2 hours. That afternoon we loaded up the car with all the supplies for the big show. The very first Great Lakes Variety Show was held that night. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I was of those kids. I was having proud mom moments the entire show for every single student watching them with tear filled eyes as they performed. It was clear every kiddo had put their fear in their pocket, marched right up to complete their talent, and beamed with pride. It was every bit as amazing as it sounds.
Thursday was when it all began to fall apart. Right away in the am with my trusty VP by my side, we counted and verified over $16,000.00 in incoming PTA funds. We had fundraisers overlapping that had brought in so much more than we ever imagined. Most of this money will go right back out in order to pay invoices for products, but it was a daunting and extremely stressful task. I can't even begin to express how amazed I am at how much our little school can do. When I dropped off the deposit I could feel that my stress level was reaching record levels. My mental checklist was growing shorter, but my stress and anxiety was climbing. Later that morning I went to get my hair done, and returned home feeling a tad strange. As I sat in the school pickup line I felt a huge wave of anxiety float over me. Then the dizzy spells began. My kids jumped in the car with their normal after school excitement, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to drive us the 4 blocks home. As the world was spinning, I had a death grip on the steering wheel hoping we'd make it home so I could go home and lay down. After a quick dinner I told the kids that I needed to lay down for a quick 20 minutes before we of course headed out to another planned activity. I took my power nap, woke feeling more centered and off to the church council meeting we went. As I sat in my meeting I could feel the waves of dizziness rolling in, but thankfully they went away for the drive home. That night the dizziness returned, and I had to sleep with one foot on the floor to center myself. I texted John that I felt terrible, like the world was in a constant spin, it literally felt like I had spent the day at the bar and was now dealing with my consequences.
When I awoke Friday it was gone again and I hoped it was gone for good. I left for scrap booking camp, a 2 hour drive away, that morning. About 30 minutes in, the dizziness returned. I figured out if I held my tongue to the roof of my mouth I could almost control it, so I gripped the wheel and off I went. It was NOT one of my proudest moments. My stubbornness outweighed the proper thinking and I should've turned around. The entire weekend was filled with spinning, lots and lots of spinning. It was only then that I was able to figure out my issue - stress induced vertigo, and wow was I miserable.
Sunday I drove home (enter #2 on list of things I'm not proud of doing,) and thankfully returned safe and sound. A friend knew exactly what I was going through and ran some medicine over. I napped and awoke feeling like I was in a fog. The spins had quieted again, but now I felt like what a person who drinks too much NyQuil must feel like.
Monday was the same, but unfortunately it was my birthday. I spent the day feeling momentarily dizzy at random times throughout the day. However being the completely stubborn person I am, I pushed on. Later that night I looked in the mirror and announced to myself, "if you don't feel better in the morning, you're going to the doctor." Did I forget to mention that through all of this I skipped heading to the doctor? I was doing everything in my power NOT to head in that direction. Why? Because I had NEVER felt like this before. My mind automatically goes to that awful place. What if it's cancer, what if it is a tumor, what if you're going blind, or you won't be able to drive ever again, or volunteer, or you have a week to live, or worse - you are paranoid and it's simply stress induced vertigo? They'll ask 15,000 questions, shake their head, not know what is wrong, and in the process take 3 tubes of blood from your arm only to return with a diagnosis that you're fine. I honestly think when I told myself that they'd have to take blood, my body went whoop wait we're fine, we'll behave I promise! Needles freak me out, and giving any type of blood instantly puts my entire body on alert, and all my veins play a wonderful game of hide and seek.
Thankfully today, the day after my birthday, I woke up fine. Your body is funny like that. If you don't slow down, it'll make you slow down. The past 5 nights I've averaged 9 hours of sleep per night. That NEVER happens. I do my best procrastination work late at night. Sometimes the best projects come out of a stress filled experience where you either get stuff done or you fail. I'll tell you a secret, I never fail. It's not meant to be a boast or a brag, it's simply the truth. My personal standards for myself are always unreachable highs.
We all hold ourselves to so many personal standards. While the level of achievement might be different in each category, many of us will kill ourselves just to reach the top of our tier. The personal punishments we tell ourselves if we don't make it make us feel small, unworthy, disappointing. Even if we are successful and reach the top, if you're like me there's always an extra credit level you could've reached. I could've done more, I could've helped more, I could've done this, or this, or this. When in all reality, just showing up was all you had to do. We push our bodies and minds to the limit for no reason. Life shouldn't be this hard. We shouldn't be running 24/7 to make sure our child gets the proper cupcakes, or the right shirt, or to their 3rd friend birthday party of the day. We shouldn't be putting our spouse on the back burner, giving them the last 30 minutes of energy we have a day, skipping date nights, not being able to figure out conversation topics, or scheduling intimacy. And we definitely shouldn't be putting our own selves at the bottom of the list. All those social interactions that are followed by a "we should get together" that never happen, looking at your friends and realizing you haven't seen them in months, or even scheduling your own wellness check with the doctor.
Learn to cut yourself some slack, slow down, and smell those roses. I need to take this advice just as much as the next person. Take a breath and enjoy life. You get one chance, make it count. At the end will it matter how high you land on your achievement categories? I can't say for certain, but I'm thinking probably not. So instead let's all vow today, this moment, to learn to turn down the speed we're racing around at and enjoy the moments instead. Savor the experiences before those experiences turn into a sad or forgotten memories. Push yourself to the front of the line, and make yourself a priority. No regrets, no hesitation, no guilt. You matter, you're important, and YOU are a priority.
until next time....
Sara
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