My entire world was shook yesterday, and not in a way you’d think. If you’ve read my past blogs you know my basic relationship history, John and I were married, divorced, and remarried. I was unfaithful and it isn’t something that I discuss with hardly anyone. It’s a blur on my relationship rap sheet so to speak. The time in my life that I continue to be ashamed of and cannot allow myself to be forgiven for. Trust me, both of my therapists have tried their hardest to get me to let go of that time that I keep permanently closed.
Yesterday was a wonderful day. The kids and I continued to celebrate the 4th of July with another parade and then a Duluth Huskies game. Side note - my children are not old enough or patient enough to watch a baseball game yet. Everything was going great until I was taking in the crowd and saw him, or someone I thought was him. Him being the man that wrecked part of my spirit and continues to do so. I wasn’t sure it was him, but it was enough to make the pit of my stomach fall through the floor. It was one of those moments where you don’t want to look, but fear keeps you glancing and holding your breath waiting for that confirmation that you feared all along. Indeed, it was him. I had to resist the extremely strong urge to bolt and flee from the situation because I was with my children who were at that point still enjoying the game. My thoughts were swirling, and just like that 15 year old memories came flooding back.
The man that I shamefully had an affair with 15 years ago still had the ability to control my thoughts, and I was experiencing the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime surrounded by my babies.
Let’s backup a little bit. Rewind 15 years, bleh my entire body just shivered, when a young couple was going through some rough times. They worked opposite schedules, had debt up to their eyeballs, and I’ll be honest I was simply not ready for forever. My feelings toward relationships were messed up. In the past I had set myself up to never get hurt, and to bail at any sign of distress. I began working more and more and I shared my emotions and feelings with someone other than my husband, it took its toll on our marriage. I was stubborn and wouldn’t let anyone tell me my next move, in fact I was fully confident that our marriage was over and nothing would convince me otherwise.
Enter the dark cloud in my life, the grass I thought was greener, but in looking back it was in fact black. In the beginning things were the same as any new relationship, but it didn’t take long for that relationship to become a dominant one. I was told on a daily basis that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, lovable enough, the list goes on and on. I allowed myself to be bullied into a new version of me, one that became withdrawn, unhappy, and refused to see what it really was, a prison. I was on a fast track to depression and loneliness. I would sit for hours at his apartment waiting for him to come home because I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. He wouldn’t buy groceries or pay for anything, and with my minimal income I couldn’t hardly make ends meet. I’m ashamed to admit that John bailed me out more than once during those times simply so I could buy food or pay my rent. His nickname for me was pooper, and he called me that as much and as often as he could. To this day I still can’t call anyone by a nickname, it races me back to those disgusting times.
I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face. I was the one in a relationship with an abuser. I had convinced myself that I was worthless and every step I had taken, every moment I was living was my punishment for hurting John and walking out in my marriage. I had made my bed, and now I was forced to sleep in it. He alienated me from my family and friends, so much so that he had to be sitting next to me while I talked to them on the phone. He would check my phone history, my text messages, and would call my work to make sure I was really there. The entire experience was one of those nightmares you hear about in the news or the subject of a Lifetime movie. He was never physically abusive, but I can guarantee at some point it would’ve gotten to that point.
Getting out of that relationship was scarier than being in it. I was afraid of what he might do, if he would physically hurt me, kill my dogs, or even kill me. I remember sitting on the couch at his apartment the very last time while he hurled insult after insult, telling me I was disgusting and that no man would ever want me again. For weeks later he continued to call me pretending to be nice until I didn’t play along and the insults and hatred would surface once again.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, but I got out.
So you see there’s a reason why even 15 years later the sight of him brings me right back to those dark days. Emotionally he scarred me, and I’ll carry those awful memories with me for the rest of my life. No matter how much I try to erase them, they are still there. While all this was happening I was surrounded by people angry that I had given up on John, they would say I got what I deserved because I they could clearly see I was unhappy. I don’t care who you are or what you think someone’s story is, they never deserve to be treated the way I was.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, physical, verbal, financial, controlling, if you’re unhappy - leave. I know your fears. What if I can’t do it, how will I survive, who will love me? Trust in yourself, love yourself, and lean on others to carry you through. You’re not alone, and you deserve to be happy and healthy. Find your happiness.
Until next time.....
Sara
