Yesterday I had one of the hardest days of my life, I had to send Kong to heaven.
Kong was a 13 year old little man who was afraid of his own shadow. I've had him since he was a puppy, he was from a puppy mill where it was instantly obvious he was abused and neglected. It's no wonder why the little guy had anxiety and insecurity issues, he was found shaking, covered in his own poop, mud, and dirt in the corner of a barn all alone.
From the moment he arrived he became my sidekick. He tolerated John, loved the kids when they were babies, and always had the idea that he was a Doberman in a Chihuahua/Terrier mix body.
After we lost our other two dogs Max and Maggie, Kong found a renewed spirit and embraced his years as our only pet. His fear of people ever so slightly relaxed, but he still felt the need to bark and retreat when you tried to pet him. He spent his days enjoying the indoors relaxing in the sunshine.
There's a special connection between humans and pets. They love you unconditionally without fail, they welcome you home whether you've been absent for 5 minutes or 5 days, and they show their love with smelly kisses, chewed items, and loads and loads of hair.
Kong had a stage 5 heart murmur, his lungs were filling with fluid, and he struggled every night to breathe while laying down. We had already been down this path once before with Maggie, so I knew the heartbreaking decision that had to be made.
He was there for me through my darkest times, he welcomed all the babies home from the hospital, recovered from any sickness, and would follow me every step I took. We had a special connection, I was his human. When the vet asked me what his favorite thing in the world was, I replied with the truth - me.
Last night it was strange to not have him at my side for our rituals. The ugly cries that have resulted from this decision randomly show up, and I'm trying to keep myself busy to avoid my thoughts.
It's true that dogs are mans best friend. Even though he had no teeth, a fierce attitude problem, fears of everything, and extremely questionable tolerance, I loved him.
Until we meet again, always know that your mama loves you. And tell your sister to be nice to you up there.
I don't know about you, but this is my mind 24/7/365. If there is any aspect of a choice or decision in my life, I will stress about it for hours, sometimes days. It can be something as simple as what color plastic cups to buy or as complex as where to take the next family vacation. My mind never shuts off, and when the anxiety gets too bad it will trigger hardcore insomnia.
My life wasn't always like this. After having Deacon, our third and final child, I suffered from postpartum depression. I hid in my bedroom for months unable to recognize the symptoms I was suffering. After talking to my doctor, he suggested medication and weekly trips to a therapist. Medication made me feel like I was living in a world with zero feelings, almost as if someone had taped down the mute button on my emotions. In the beginning therapy was a struggle. I had a hard time believing that a stranger would ever be able to help me up and over the mountain my emotions had created. Eventually after 6 months of therapy the mountain became less steep, and week by week life became an easier climb. It's been almost 7 months since I quit taking my medication, but I still continue to see my therapist.
So why the anxiety? What's the deal? I always tell people that I sign up for as many activities and responsibilities as possible to keep myself busy. The truth is, those activities and responsibilities keep me sane. There's no time to panic, no time to over think when you don't have the spare time to do that right?
Here are some tips that I've found help my mind when the reel of panic mode gets put into the projector.
1. Make lists. - Sometimes I'll make lists for my lists! It amazes me that a task as simple as writing down my schedule for the week, or writing down meals for the week helps.
2. Do research. - John always teases me about my endless hours of research. I'll spend hours planning out trips that we never actually go on, but it keeps my mind busy and away from worrying.
3. Distract yourself. - As odd as it is, my anxiety hits the worst when I'm in the shower. I try to play music so my mind sings along instead of playing the what if routine. What if this happens, or what if that happens? Try to find something to keep yourself distracted, trust me it helps.
Anxiety, depression, fear, sadness, hopelessness, all these emotions can sneak up on you. If you're having a bad day, things just aren't going right, or you are just in a funk, it's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed. Talk to your partner, a friend, pastor, mentor, therapist, doctor, anyone you feel comfortable with. Let those feelings out and start fresh. The fate of tomorrow doesn't have to be predetermined because of what happens today. Let yourself be your best you.
until next time...
Sara
