The story of us....

Do you know when the last time we sat to take a photo of the two of us that wasn't work related? When we went to Vegas to celebrate my graduation. In MAY! That's ridiculous!!!

Here we are, aww so cute and adorable. A vacation without the kids, how I dream of that this very moment! It was an amazing trip filled with excitement, love, devotion, intimate conversations, and celebration of simply us.

But life wasn't always this way. In fact we've taken quite the journey to get here.

So settle in, grab a snack, and take a potty break before you start. Because this is the only time I'll tell this story - the story of us.

In order for this to start, we need to rewind. For those of you that don't remember what a VHS tape is, call your mom, she'll clue you in. It was the summer after I graduated, 2001. My mom had received a trip to Canada through work where they would celebrate her years of service. She took me on that celebration trip, just the two of us, no brothers tagging along, it was glorious! We saw stunning views, traveled from city to city, and ended up at the hotel where the awards dinner would take place. The morning of the award dinner, we headed down to the hotel salon where to this day I still say the lady gave me the worst beehive updo I have ever seen. In the middle of the dinner, my mom ran out of film for her camera. (While you're asking your mom what a VHS tape is, ask her what camera film is used for too. Or how she'd take 18 rolls and 6 of those rolls would have her finger in the shot.) She asked me to run up to the room and get a few more rolls. As I stood waiting for the elevator, I had no idea my life was about to take a completely new journey. The elevator doors opened, and there he stood. I'd like to say there was a spotlight behind him, wind blowing through his hair, he got down on one knee and knew that I was the one. Whoa, get out of that cheesy romance novel people! There he was, in sweatpants, sweatshirt, and old school headphones. By the way, the same trip that my mom and I were on, John's dad was also there to celebrate his years of service, and they had turned their entire trip into a family vacation. I had spied on their family a few times watching them load and unload their massive amount of luggage, but we never really crossed paths. Back to the elevator. Minimal conversation was had and I walked off to the room to get my film. Sorry to burst your romance bubble!

About a week or so after we returned from the trip I had received an email. It read something like - "you may not remember me, but we met in Canada. Would you be interested in hanging out sometime?" He had literally stalked me until he found my email address. Now remember we're talking circa 2001, before the days of Facebook, right in the middle of the AOL instant messenger era. (Yep, might as well start a list of things to ask your mom.) At the time I had a boyfriend, but John and I became friends, and we would spend hours after everyone had gone to bed for the night talking to each other. (Because only then could you tie up the phone line with the Internet. Yup, write that down too.)

Around August we began dating. We went to the worst movie ever - A.I. on our first date. Seriously the WORST movie of all time. I was instantly head over heels in love with him. Everything about him was perfect - he was my protector, he treated me like a princess, and I knew we were meant to be together.

Fast forward to November 8, 2003, the day we were married. I was 21 and he was 23. It was an absolutely gorgeous November day. No snow, the sun was shining, and we promised our hearts to each other forever. We surprised everyone by singing during our own ceremony. Yep, there's video evidence in our basement of John's one and only debut solo performance. The things you do for love right? We moved into an apartment and our magical journey together began. Except life together wasn't like it was on TV and in the movies. We worked opposite shifts so we never saw each other, adjusting to living with a spouse and learning/tolerating their habits was bumpy, and we were head over heels in debt and financial strain due to stupid youth choices. The resentment began. Communication from my end, which was already a struggle, shut down completely. We were the first of all our friends to get married, and there was no road map on how to travel this journey called marriage.

A little over a year later, when all our baggage had piled up and couldn't be sorted, we decided to separate. The icing on the cake to the whole situation was me being unfaithful. There are no excuses, no reasoning, no justification, I was unfaithful to the man I had promised my life to. We eventually divorced, and the day I received the finalization papers in the mail, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I had now created this situation and I was stuck with my consequences. The new relationship I was in was toxic. He was verbally abusive, kept me away from my family, friends weren't even allowed to be discussed let alone seen, and he was controlling. He killed my self esteem, made me think I was worthless, and belittled me every single moment possible. It. Was. Toxic. I have no doubt that the verbal abuse would have eventually turned into physical abuse.

Somehow through all of this I continued to church hop. I no longer felt comfortable in the Catholic church, so I hopped around and eventually landed in the church that my daughter would eventually be baptized in. The pastor made me feel at ease, like I could tell her all my troubles and she would magically make them all go away. Something in me knew that I needed to seek council with her, to try to help create a life with these miserable choices I had made. We did meet, and I brought my story in, all of it. All the hurt, all the hatred, all the bad moments, the good, everything that had led me to that moment. I'll never forget meeting with her, she changed my life. She didn't use these exact words, but she said if you're not happy, change it. If you're not on a righteous path, create a new one. And if you're still in love with your husband, then go back to him. She knew exactly what to say and how to get my stubbornness to listen to her guidance. I knew that I had to get John back, and I would fight for him forever.

Trust me when I say, it was not easy to get him back. He was hurt, understandably so, and I'm sure he suspected I had some type of hidden agenda. Let me be clear, our separation, our divorce, was all lead by me. I had zero interest in couples counseling, and from the beginning I was in self destruct mode on our marriage succeeding. So his hesitation to trust me again, to let himself be subject to the possibility that love would shatter his world all over again, was warranted.

I refocused my intentions. If communication was our downfall in our previous relationship, then communication would be moved to the head of the line. We talked about everything, and I mean everything. He knew everything that happened in the past, details from when we weren't together, and things that happened 2 minutes ago. This new focus was all new to me, and even though it was hard I pushed through. If you know me really well, you'll know that sharing my feelings and my past is not my strong point. I brush things off and say it's a story for another day and move on. I don't share my mistakes that I'm ashamed of. In fact, I would love to be able to erase that large part of my past and just connect the good dots together. But, without those ugly dots and dots I'm ashamed of, there would be no us.

After a little over a year apart, we decided to give it another try. We moved in together and promised a fresh start, a new beginning, and a positive change. From there we had our same growing pains like everyone else does. We would take each other for granted, have a big yelling and ugly cry session and work it out. It's not always pretty, and I still struggle in the communication department, but we would express all our fears and figure out where to go from there.

We remarried in 2009 when I was pregnant with Abby, but had been back together for a little over 4 years at that point. After all our struggles and challenges, I can honestly admit I never wanted children. I was afraid that this relationship that we had reformed would be too challenged with the addition of a child. The possibility that I would lose him all over again scared me to death. John assured me that we'd be just fine and Abby was born, followed by Wyatt and Deacon. Each year brings a new season to our lives. While we still rarely see each other, when we do we try our best to make it positive. Alright here's the real deal, we have 3 kids, our house is constant chaos, John works opposite shifts of our schedules, and I run this house 90% of the time. There it is, the cold hard facts.

John and I continue to attend marriage counseling. We've had major hurdles in our relationship people, we should be going right? Actually, I really encourage everyone to find a couples therapist and visit them as often as possible. Our first appointment I hauled in every issue we've ever had. I'm a list maker people, he knew I would be over packing for our appointment. Our therapist has been able to point out things that would make us stronger, she listens, she makes suggestions, and she encourages us to be better for each other.

So there it is. The very limited version of our story. When I say limited I mean the cleanest version I can create, because let's be honest people, my grandma reads this stuff.

Moral of the story, things I learned, my takeaway? Don't be so quick to give up. Do the work, it is worth it. Without all those struggles, bumps, learning moments I wouldn't be where I am today, and I wouldn't have a husband and the three babies we created. All the struggle is worth it, just hang on tight!

until next time...

Sara

Why did I signup for snack???

There it was, the dreaded sign up sheet for snack. The sheet that told all the other parents that you were a responsible and organized parent who could handle bringing snacks for 25 kids.

But as I looked closer written on the bottom of the sheet, I saw it - nut allergy, please make sure all snacks are nut free.

Insert panic mode here.

Now let me explain myself. John and I have 3 children that have zero food or environmental allergies. Wyatt went through a stage where we thought he may have a gluten allergy, so I switched the entire house to gluten free. It was a huge challenge reading nutrition labels, creating meal plans, and a HUGE hit to our grocery bill. After a month of this experience and no results, I was so thankful that we were able to head back to our normal routine. 

You see allergies scare me to death. I'm afraid that while your child is in my care they will have an extreme allergic reaction, go into anaphylactic shock, and, well you know the rest. I go to that place immediately when I'm around anyone with an allergy. 

So when that allergy warning comes out, I panic. I worry that I - the uneducated parent on allergies and how to respond in a crisis, the one who will unknowingly donate Oreos that have some secret hidden seafood ingredient in them, will cause you to turn purple and keel over. 

I have friends and family that have allergies, lots in fact. You would think that this would make my anxiety and extreme thinking lower in these situations. News flash - not at all. I even watched a friends kids that have allergies overnight. She had labeled all the medications and calmly explained what each one was for, when to take them, what to do in an emergency. I listened to her instructions so carefully that I could've repeated them verbatim. I had complete confidence that I had the situation under control and a handle on everything. I was prepared and ready to handle any emergency if it arose. Then she walked out the door and took my confidence with her. 

I remember when Abby was playing soccer we had to bring a snack for after games and practice. One of the moms mentioned they were gluten free and she was talking to her friends about what they could and couldn't eat. I shuffled over and inserted myself into their conversation in order to learn more. Was I supposed to bring a gluten free snack? Would that kid be hunched over gripping their stomach because I had supplied a snack completely packed with something I knew nothing about? As I asked her questions, she turned up her nose and glared at me like I was an outcast. I left that day feeling foolish and even more confused of my future snack choices.

If you have an allergy, or a health condition that people should know about, please do me one favor - tell people. Don't act like it is an inconvenience for people, don't brush it off like it's no big deal - tell people. Educate people until you're purple in the face. Tell people what will happen if you eat seafood or grapes, if a cat makes a bed in your jacket, or you get stung by a bee when you're out on a bike ride. 

Listen, I know sometimes telling people is annoying. People don't listen, you've told them 10,000 times, you just don't want to be a bother, or think you can just tell your kid to be careful. Here's the deal though - if something happens to you, people are at least going to know that you need an epi pen, a shot of insulin, a hard candy, an aspirin, CPR, or whatever it takes to get YOU back. Give us a chance, a little faith, and a whole bunch of knowledge on you. Because last time I checked, nobody knows you better than you, and nobody can educate others on you like you can. 

Be confident in writing your name on that sign up sheet!

until next time...

Sara

Yesterday I turned 36....I think

Since before I can remember my grandparents have always told me to slow down. My grandpa especially, encourages me to stop and smell the roses, slow down, enjoy life instead of always leading the pack. I always respond with a quick "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Which, I find a ridiculous response because I can almost guarantee that in my next life if there is a committee to sign up for I'll be at the top of the list. 
You see, I've always been an overachiever. In order to feel fulfilled I need to reach a new level of achievement. I need a purpose, a goal, an end result to keep pushing on. I'm the person that people see and instead of a greeting with hello, a smile is usually followed with "we were just talking about you" or "I was just thinking about you the other day," and a task at hand is their follow up. I'm a doer. I see it as a blessing and a curse. 
My week of chaos began on Saturday, October 13th. A quick run up to my moms, Walmart (also I despise Walmart,) followed by a night at work. You see, I had promised to make signs for church, and true Sara style completely spaced being asked had to actually sit still and get them done. I should also mention now that all the days ahead also consisted of my normal routines, showering, getting the kids off to school, shakes, picking up the kids, dinner, and laundry, always SO much laundry.
On Sunday John and the boys headed out to the cabin for one final clean up while Abby and I went to church. I ended up doing something completely different with the signs, and my self diagnosed OCD was raging as I quickly drew things by hand. The rest of the day was filled with dropping Abby off at choir practice, and racing around to Kohl's, Target, and later Walmart again to find the rest of the items necessary for our Halloween costumes. A quick two hour evening with friends that night was my saving grace, after an afternoon with my daughter who continues to think she's 9 going on 19. 
Monday John and I headed to couples therapy. Something I strongly encourage everyone to do. It has drastically changed our relationship for the better. Family photos followed which involved pulling the kids from school early (oh yes I did!) and racing out to Wisconsin Point. From there we went to bowl out, and I stayed with Deacon in the car while he napped. John and I had date night after that, and to be honest at this point I couldn't even tell you where we went. 
Tuesday, now that was a day! In the shower that morning I realized I didn't have the tootsie rolls for popcorn day. Part of me thought, ah no biggie we'd skip them, but the overruling part of me said that I couldn't because the kids look forward to those every popcorn day. I left Deacon with John and raced to the school hoping by some miracle the tootsie roll fairy had dropped off a few bags while I was busy over thinking things. No such luck. Off to Super One we went to pickup 13 bags of tootsie rolls. 615 bags of popcorn later, that task was complete. I had just enough time to head home, load up the car and come back to the school for the variety show dress rehearsal. 
Wednesday was picture retake day at the school. Deacon was my helpful assistant that day, and we knocked out all the retakes with Beth in about 2 hours. That afternoon we loaded up the car with all the supplies for the big show. The very first Great Lakes Variety Show was held that night. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I was of those kids. I was having proud mom moments the entire show for every single student watching them with tear filled eyes as they performed. It was clear every kiddo had put their fear in their pocket, marched right up to complete their talent, and beamed with pride. It was every bit as amazing as it sounds. 
Thursday was when it all began to fall apart. Right away in the am with my trusty VP by my side, we counted and verified over $16,000.00 in incoming PTA funds. We had fundraisers overlapping that had brought in so much more than we ever imagined. Most of this money will go right back out in order to pay invoices for products, but it was a daunting and extremely stressful task. I can't even begin to express how amazed I am at how much our little school can do. When I dropped off the deposit I could feel that my stress level was reaching record levels. My mental checklist was growing shorter, but my stress and anxiety was climbing. Later that morning I went to get my hair done, and returned home feeling a tad strange. As I sat in the school pickup line I felt a huge wave of anxiety float over me. Then the dizzy spells began. My kids jumped in the car with their normal after school excitement, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to drive us the 4 blocks home. As the world was spinning, I had a death grip on the steering wheel hoping we'd make it home so I could go home and lay down. After a quick dinner I told the kids that I needed to lay down for a quick 20 minutes before we of course headed out to another planned activity. I took my power nap, woke feeling more centered and off to the church council meeting we went. As I sat in my meeting I could feel the waves of dizziness rolling in, but thankfully they went away for the drive home. That night the dizziness returned, and I had to sleep with one foot on the floor to center myself. I texted John that I felt terrible, like the world was in a constant spin, it literally felt like I had spent the day at the bar and was now dealing with my consequences. 
When I awoke Friday it was gone again and I hoped it was gone for good. I left for scrap booking camp, a 2 hour drive away, that morning. About 30 minutes in, the dizziness returned. I figured out if I held my tongue to the roof of my mouth I could almost control it, so I gripped the wheel and off I went. It was NOT one of my proudest moments. My stubbornness outweighed the proper thinking and I should've turned around. The entire weekend was filled with spinning, lots and lots of spinning. It was only then that I was able to figure out my issue - stress induced vertigo, and wow was I miserable. 
Sunday I drove home (enter #2 on list of things I'm not proud of doing,) and thankfully returned safe and sound. A friend knew exactly what I was going through and ran some medicine over. I napped and awoke feeling like I was in a fog. The spins had quieted again, but now I felt like what a person who drinks too much NyQuil must feel like. 
Monday was the same, but unfortunately it was my birthday. I spent the day feeling momentarily dizzy at random times throughout the day. However being the completely stubborn person I am, I pushed on. Later that night I looked in the mirror and announced to myself, "if you don't feel better in the morning, you're going to the doctor." Did I forget to mention that through all of this I skipped heading to the doctor? I was doing everything in my power NOT to head in that direction. Why? Because I had NEVER felt like this before. My mind automatically goes to that awful place. What if it's cancer, what if it is a tumor, what if you're going blind, or you won't be able to drive ever again, or volunteer, or you have a week to live, or worse - you are paranoid and it's simply stress induced vertigo? They'll ask 15,000 questions, shake their head, not know what is wrong, and in the process take 3 tubes of blood from your arm only to return with a diagnosis that you're fine. I honestly think when I told myself that they'd have to take blood, my body went whoop wait we're fine, we'll behave I promise! Needles freak me out, and giving any type of blood instantly puts my entire body on alert, and all my veins play a wonderful game of hide and seek. 
Thankfully today, the day after my birthday, I woke up fine. Your body is funny like that. If you don't slow down, it'll make you slow down. The past 5 nights I've averaged 9 hours of sleep per night. That NEVER happens. I do my best procrastination work late at night. Sometimes the best projects come out of a stress filled experience where you either get stuff done or you fail. I'll tell you a secret, I never fail. It's not meant to be a boast or a brag, it's simply the truth. My personal standards for myself are always unreachable highs. 
We all hold ourselves to so many personal standards. While the level of achievement might be different in each category, many of us will kill ourselves just to reach the top of our tier. The personal punishments we tell ourselves if we don't make it make us feel small, unworthy, disappointing. Even if we are successful and reach the top, if you're like me there's always an extra credit level you could've reached. I could've done more, I could've helped more, I could've done this, or this, or this. When in all reality, just showing up was all you had to do. We push our bodies and minds to the limit for no reason. Life shouldn't be this hard. We shouldn't be running 24/7 to make sure our child gets the proper cupcakes, or the right shirt, or to their 3rd friend birthday party of the day. We shouldn't be putting our spouse on the back burner, giving them the last 30 minutes of energy we have a day, skipping date nights, not being able to figure out conversation topics, or scheduling intimacy. And we definitely shouldn't be putting our own selves at the bottom of the list. All those social interactions that are followed by a "we should get together" that never happen, looking at your friends and realizing you haven't seen them in months, or even scheduling your own wellness check with the doctor. 
Learn to cut yourself some slack, slow down, and smell those roses. I need to take this advice just as much as the next person. Take a breath and enjoy life. You get one chance, make it count. At the end will it matter how high you land on your achievement categories? I can't say for certain, but I'm thinking probably not. So instead let's all vow today, this moment, to learn to turn down the speed we're racing around at and enjoy the moments instead. Savor the experiences before those experiences turn into a sad or forgotten memories. Push yourself to the front of the line, and make yourself a priority. No regrets, no hesitation, no guilt. You matter, you're important, and YOU are a priority. 

until next time....

Sara

A dog's best friend is his human.

Yesterday I had one of the hardest days of my life, I had to send Kong to heaven.

Kong was a 13 year old little man who was afraid of his own shadow. I've had him since he was a puppy, he was from a puppy mill where it was instantly obvious he was abused and neglected. It's no wonder why the little guy had anxiety and insecurity issues, he was found shaking, covered in his own poop, mud, and dirt in the corner of a barn all alone. 

From the moment he arrived he became my sidekick. He tolerated John, loved the kids when they were babies, and always had the idea that he was a Doberman in a Chihuahua/Terrier mix body. 

After we lost our other two dogs Max and Maggie, Kong found a renewed spirit and embraced his years as our only pet. His fear of people ever so slightly relaxed, but he still felt the need to bark and retreat when you tried to pet him. He spent his days enjoying the indoors relaxing in the sunshine. 

There's a special connection between humans and pets. They love you unconditionally without fail, they welcome you home whether you've been absent for 5 minutes or 5 days, and they show their love with smelly kisses, chewed items, and loads and loads of hair. 

Kong had a stage 5 heart murmur, his lungs were filling with fluid, and he struggled every night to breathe while laying down. We had already been down this path once before with Maggie, so I knew the heartbreaking decision that had to be made. 

He was there for me through my darkest times, he welcomed all the babies home from the hospital, recovered from any sickness, and would follow me every step I took. We had a special connection, I was his human. When the vet asked me what his favorite thing in the world was, I replied with the truth - me. 

Last night it was strange to not have him at my side for our rituals. The ugly cries that have resulted from this decision randomly show up, and I'm trying to keep myself busy to avoid my thoughts. 

It's true that dogs are mans best friend. Even though he had no teeth, a fierce attitude problem, fears of everything, and extremely questionable tolerance, I loved him.

Until we meet again, always know that your mama loves you. And tell your sister to be nice to you up there. 

Anxiety can shake your world.

I don't know about you, but this is my mind 24/7/365. If there is any aspect of a choice or decision in my life, I will stress about it for hours, sometimes days. It can be something as simple as what color plastic cups to buy or as complex as where to take the next family vacation. My mind never shuts off, and when the anxiety gets too bad it will trigger hardcore insomnia.

My life wasn't always like this. After having Deacon, our third and final child, I suffered from postpartum depression. I hid in my bedroom for months unable to recognize the symptoms I was suffering. After talking to my doctor, he suggested medication and weekly trips to a therapist. Medication made me feel like I was living in a world with zero feelings, almost as if someone had taped down the mute button on my emotions. In the beginning therapy was a struggle. I had a hard time believing that a stranger would ever be able to help me up and over the mountain my emotions had created. Eventually after 6 months of therapy the mountain became less steep, and week by week life became an easier climb. It's been almost 7 months since I quit taking my medication, but I still continue to see my therapist.

So why the anxiety? What's the deal? I always tell people that I sign up for as many activities and responsibilities as possible to keep myself busy. The truth is, those activities and responsibilities keep me sane. There's no time to panic, no time to over think when you don't have the spare time to do that right? 

Here are some tips that I've found help my mind when the reel of panic mode gets put into the projector. 

1. Make lists. - Sometimes I'll make lists for my lists! It amazes me that a task as simple as writing down my schedule for the week, or writing down meals for the week helps. 

2. Do research. - John always teases me about my endless hours of research. I'll spend hours planning out trips that we never actually go on, but it keeps my mind busy and away from worrying.

3. Distract yourself. - As odd as it is, my anxiety hits the worst when I'm in the shower. I try to play music so my mind sings along instead of playing the what if routine. What if this happens, or what if that happens? Try to find something to keep yourself distracted, trust me it helps. 

Anxiety, depression, fear, sadness, hopelessness, all these emotions can sneak up on you. If you're having a bad day, things just aren't going right, or you are just in a funk, it's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed. Talk to your partner, a friend, pastor, mentor, therapist, doctor, anyone you feel comfortable with. Let those feelings out and start fresh. The fate of tomorrow doesn't have to be predetermined because of what happens today. Let yourself be your best you. 

until next time...

Sara