Here we are, aww so cute and adorable. A vacation without the kids, how I dream of that this very moment! It was an amazing trip filled with excitement, love, devotion, intimate conversations, and celebration of simply us.
But life wasn't always this way. In fact we've taken quite the journey to get here.
So settle in, grab a snack, and take a potty break before you start. Because this is the only time I'll tell this story - the story of us.
In order for this to start, we need to rewind. For those of you that don't remember what a VHS tape is, call your mom, she'll clue you in. It was the summer after I graduated, 2001. My mom had received a trip to Canada through work where they would celebrate her years of service. She took me on that celebration trip, just the two of us, no brothers tagging along, it was glorious! We saw stunning views, traveled from city to city, and ended up at the hotel where the awards dinner would take place. The morning of the award dinner, we headed down to the hotel salon where to this day I still say the lady gave me the worst beehive updo I have ever seen. In the middle of the dinner, my mom ran out of film for her camera. (While you're asking your mom what a VHS tape is, ask her what camera film is used for too. Or how she'd take 18 rolls and 6 of those rolls would have her finger in the shot.) She asked me to run up to the room and get a few more rolls. As I stood waiting for the elevator, I had no idea my life was about to take a completely new journey. The elevator doors opened, and there he stood. I'd like to say there was a spotlight behind him, wind blowing through his hair, he got down on one knee and knew that I was the one. Whoa, get out of that cheesy romance novel people! There he was, in sweatpants, sweatshirt, and old school headphones. By the way, the same trip that my mom and I were on, John's dad was also there to celebrate his years of service, and they had turned their entire trip into a family vacation. I had spied on their family a few times watching them load and unload their massive amount of luggage, but we never really crossed paths. Back to the elevator. Minimal conversation was had and I walked off to the room to get my film. Sorry to burst your romance bubble!
About a week or so after we returned from the trip I had received an email. It read something like - "you may not remember me, but we met in Canada. Would you be interested in hanging out sometime?" He had literally stalked me until he found my email address. Now remember we're talking circa 2001, before the days of Facebook, right in the middle of the AOL instant messenger era. (Yep, might as well start a list of things to ask your mom.) At the time I had a boyfriend, but John and I became friends, and we would spend hours after everyone had gone to bed for the night talking to each other. (Because only then could you tie up the phone line with the Internet. Yup, write that down too.)
Around August we began dating. We went to the worst movie ever - A.I. on our first date. Seriously the WORST movie of all time. I was instantly head over heels in love with him. Everything about him was perfect - he was my protector, he treated me like a princess, and I knew we were meant to be together.
Fast forward to November 8, 2003, the day we were married. I was 21 and he was 23. It was an absolutely gorgeous November day. No snow, the sun was shining, and we promised our hearts to each other forever. We surprised everyone by singing during our own ceremony. Yep, there's video evidence in our basement of John's one and only debut solo performance. The things you do for love right? We moved into an apartment and our magical journey together began. Except life together wasn't like it was on TV and in the movies. We worked opposite shifts so we never saw each other, adjusting to living with a spouse and learning/tolerating their habits was bumpy, and we were head over heels in debt and financial strain due to stupid youth choices. The resentment began. Communication from my end, which was already a struggle, shut down completely. We were the first of all our friends to get married, and there was no road map on how to travel this journey called marriage.
A little over a year later, when all our baggage had piled up and couldn't be sorted, we decided to separate. The icing on the cake to the whole situation was me being unfaithful. There are no excuses, no reasoning, no justification, I was unfaithful to the man I had promised my life to. We eventually divorced, and the day I received the finalization papers in the mail, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I had now created this situation and I was stuck with my consequences. The new relationship I was in was toxic. He was verbally abusive, kept me away from my family, friends weren't even allowed to be discussed let alone seen, and he was controlling. He killed my self esteem, made me think I was worthless, and belittled me every single moment possible. It. Was. Toxic. I have no doubt that the verbal abuse would have eventually turned into physical abuse.
Somehow through all of this I continued to church hop. I no longer felt comfortable in the Catholic church, so I hopped around and eventually landed in the church that my daughter would eventually be baptized in. The pastor made me feel at ease, like I could tell her all my troubles and she would magically make them all go away. Something in me knew that I needed to seek council with her, to try to help create a life with these miserable choices I had made. We did meet, and I brought my story in, all of it. All the hurt, all the hatred, all the bad moments, the good, everything that had led me to that moment. I'll never forget meeting with her, she changed my life. She didn't use these exact words, but she said if you're not happy, change it. If you're not on a righteous path, create a new one. And if you're still in love with your husband, then go back to him. She knew exactly what to say and how to get my stubbornness to listen to her guidance. I knew that I had to get John back, and I would fight for him forever.
Trust me when I say, it was not easy to get him back. He was hurt, understandably so, and I'm sure he suspected I had some type of hidden agenda. Let me be clear, our separation, our divorce, was all lead by me. I had zero interest in couples counseling, and from the beginning I was in self destruct mode on our marriage succeeding. So his hesitation to trust me again, to let himself be subject to the possibility that love would shatter his world all over again, was warranted.
I refocused my intentions. If communication was our downfall in our previous relationship, then communication would be moved to the head of the line. We talked about everything, and I mean everything. He knew everything that happened in the past, details from when we weren't together, and things that happened 2 minutes ago. This new focus was all new to me, and even though it was hard I pushed through. If you know me really well, you'll know that sharing my feelings and my past is not my strong point. I brush things off and say it's a story for another day and move on. I don't share my mistakes that I'm ashamed of. In fact, I would love to be able to erase that large part of my past and just connect the good dots together. But, without those ugly dots and dots I'm ashamed of, there would be no us.
After a little over a year apart, we decided to give it another try. We moved in together and promised a fresh start, a new beginning, and a positive change. From there we had our same growing pains like everyone else does. We would take each other for granted, have a big yelling and ugly cry session and work it out. It's not always pretty, and I still struggle in the communication department, but we would express all our fears and figure out where to go from there.
We remarried in 2009 when I was pregnant with Abby, but had been back together for a little over 4 years at that point. After all our struggles and challenges, I can honestly admit I never wanted children. I was afraid that this relationship that we had reformed would be too challenged with the addition of a child. The possibility that I would lose him all over again scared me to death. John assured me that we'd be just fine and Abby was born, followed by Wyatt and Deacon. Each year brings a new season to our lives. While we still rarely see each other, when we do we try our best to make it positive. Alright here's the real deal, we have 3 kids, our house is constant chaos, John works opposite shifts of our schedules, and I run this house 90% of the time. There it is, the cold hard facts.
John and I continue to attend marriage counseling. We've had major hurdles in our relationship people, we should be going right? Actually, I really encourage everyone to find a couples therapist and visit them as often as possible. Our first appointment I hauled in every issue we've ever had. I'm a list maker people, he knew I would be over packing for our appointment. Our therapist has been able to point out things that would make us stronger, she listens, she makes suggestions, and she encourages us to be better for each other.
So there it is. The very limited version of our story. When I say limited I mean the cleanest version I can create, because let's be honest people, my grandma reads this stuff.
Moral of the story, things I learned, my takeaway? Don't be so quick to give up. Do the work, it is worth it. Without all those struggles, bumps, learning moments I wouldn't be where I am today, and I wouldn't have a husband and the three babies we created. All the struggle is worth it, just hang on tight!
until next time...
Sara
